Sick of the Stereotype

Will comedians/writers ever get over the stereotype that all Texans are horse-riding, cowboy-hat-and-huge-belt-buckle-wearing, gun-toting hicks?

If last night's Family Guy is any indication, then probably not for a very long time.

I adore Family Guy - I've gotten a good share of laughs from that show. It has a lot of offensive comedy, and often takes shots at people, movies, television, and the like for really no good reason. It was Texas' turn last night.

The Griffin family fled to Texas to protect Stewie (and along the way, disguise Stewie as a girl). It's not long before the stereotypes begin to emerge. The neighbors are the stereotype mentioned in the first sentence of this post. Peter rides a horse around, because "you look crazy if you're not riding a horse in Texas," Brian gets a free gun when he purchases a bottle of Jack Daniels. The evening news features a man in a cowboy suit with a deep Southern accent, in front of a fence. Lois takes Stewie to a toddler beauty pageant because "that's what you do in Texas." (???)

If this kind of stereotype exists, I haven't met them in my 20 years of residence in Texas.

Not too long ago, I watched a favorite comedian of mine, Christopher Titus, perform his "End of the World Tour" on Comedy Central. At one point he describes Texas as a "hellhole." He goes on to describe what's in Texas: "cactus, sand, cactus, sand, George Bush, cactus.." Yes, Christopher, Texas is a desert wasteland. Love your comedy man, but, damn.

So, since these stereotypes will go on for decades to come, let me give you a list of some other stereotypes to play with!

• All New Yorkers are rude.
• A typical New Yorker knows the best place to get something, i.e. "the best (insert food item here) are available at (insert establishment name here) on (insert street name here)!"
• The entire British populace has bad teeth.
• The entire French populace is rude.
• All people from California are aspiring actors/drive convertibles/say "dude" a lot.
• Everyone living in Florida is a senior citizen.
• All people who play computer games are nerds.
• All nerds wear thick glasses, stutter, and have braces
• All Hispanics are lazy
• All African Americans are great at basketball
• All Caucasians are bad dancers

There, that should get you started.

And to all writers and comedians out there, best you take heed to the anti-littering motto we use here in Texas, but also applies to Texas in general:

Don't Mess with Texas.

I'm Rich! Part the third

I've won, again! For about the dozenth or so time in about six months! And all the winning numbers and serial numbers have been EXACTLY the same!

I would love for someone to go and shut off Nigeria's Internet access for a day, see how badly the scammers get affected. Everyone feel free to claim my "winnings" - I encourage filling out the form with names like "Bugs Bunny" and "Fred Flintsone."

The National Lottery
P O Box 1010
Liverpool, L70 1NL
UNITED KINGDOM (Customer Services)
Ref: UK/9420X2/68
Batch: 074/05/ZY369
WINNING NOTIFICATION:

We happily announce to you the draw (#942) of the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY, online Sweepstakes International program held on 27th April 2007. It is yet to be unclaimed and you are getting the final NOTIFICATION as regards this.


Your e-mail address attached to ticket number:56475600545 188 with Serial number 5368/02 drew the lucky numbers:4-6-9-12-15-40 (bonus no.25), which subsequently won you the lottery in the 2nd category i.e match 5 plus bonus.

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £250,000.00 (Two hundred & Fifty Thousand Pounds sterling) in cash credited to file KTU/9023118308/03. This is from a total cash prize of £2,00000:00 shared amongst the(8)lucky winners in this category i.e Match 5 plus bonus.All participants for the online version were selected randomly from World Wide Web sites through computer draw system and extracted from over 100,000 unions, associations, and corporate bodies that are listed online.

This promotion takes place weekly. Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European booklet representative office in Europe as indicated in your play coupon. In view of this, your £250,000.00 (Two hundred & Fifty Thousand Pounds sterling) will be released to you by any of our payment offices in Europe.

Our European agent will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds as soon as you contact him.For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential till your claim is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem fit to claim your prize.

This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program. Please be warned. To file for your claim, please contact our fiduciary agent:
FIDUCIARY AGENTOVER SEAS CLAIM UNIT
Dr. Mark Pullen
Email: overseaofficeclaim07@yahoo.ie
Details Of Beneficiary
1.FULL NAMES:
2.ADDRESS:

3.SEX:
4.AGE:
5.MARITAL STATUS:
6.OCCUPATION:
7.E-MAIL ADDRESS:
8.TELEPHONE NUMBER:
9.FAX NUMBER:
10.AMOUNT WON:
11.BATCH NUMBER:
12.REFERENCE NUMBER:
13.BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF
COMPANY/INDIVIDUAL:

14. COUNTRY:

CONGRATULATIONS FROM THE MEMBERS AND STAFF OF UK NATIONAL LOTTERY

Yours faithfully,
Mr. Michael Anderson.
Online coordinator for THE NATIONAL LOTTERY Sweepstakes International Program.

The Dark Side

I am, for the most part, a real "golden rule" kind of guy. If you treat me with respect and courtesy, chances are you and I are going to get along just fine. Treat me, my friends, or my family without respect or courtesy, and, well - there's going to be a problem.

I am also admittedly a computer game geek. There's many a time where a bad mood has been alleviated by playing a game. I especially enjoy (naturally) City of Heroes and City of Villains, not only for the fun factor, but also because it serves as an outlet where I can socialize with my co-contributor. After all, we are in different states. We started out with multiplayer games such as No One Lives Forever 2 then moved on to MMOs like Star Wars Galaxies (believe me, Galaxies was DEFINITELY for the socialization, as fun was scarce). It's our way of "hanging out."

As in real life, MMOs contain people who act without respect, and without courtesy. And just as in real life, if you treat me, friends, or family poorly in an MMO, there will be consequences. Just ask some folks in Star Wars Galaxies.

A few years back when we played, I played as Zapp Farnsworth, a smuggler-in-training. My co-contributor was a Twilek bounty-hunter-in-training, and had some medical skills. I believe he was dubbed "Cloberella." Injured players would ask for healing, and in return, he would often get tips from the players, or at the very least, a "thank you." There we were on Tatooine, on a mission, when we came across a group of players fighting some Bantha. They soon stopped to make camp, saw Cloberella, and asked for healing. Well, it wasn't so much asking as going, "Heal me!"

Despite the bluntness of the players, "Cloberella" obliged them and began healing. And so they were healed. And so, we waited. And waited. The players sat there, uttering not a word. Not a single tip, or thank you. He had done as they asked, despite their rudeness, and despite them not even being badly wounded. Upset at this, and at the similar shabby treatment we had received earlier in the gaming session, I devised a plan. The dark side flowed within me.

"Get ready to run," I told Cloberella. "Why?" my friend asked. "You'll see."

I pulled my blaster, and shot the Bantha spawning point. Then I ran like hell. Cloberella followed. The players, still lounging in their campground, were swarmed by angry Bantha. From a distance, we saw blaster fire, and displays of damage being taken surged through the sky. "-10 -10 -10 -10..." I gleefully laughed. Cloberella, appreciating the gesture and the evilness of it all, joined in the jest. And we enjoy the story to this day.

The moral of the story? Like Hannibal Lecter, discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me. It doesn't matter if its in real life, or in cyberspace, I'll let you know how ugly it is (no cannibalism or stealing your face or anything like that, though).

At least he's man enough to admit it

Surely you've heard of Hooters? World famous for its - umm - chicken wings. It just so happens there is one fairly close by to where I live.

The other day I went to get a haircut. There was only one haircut person (barber? barberette? stylist?) at the time and she was with someone, so I sat down to wait after giving my information. Another person walked in, looked around, then immediately left - I guess he couldn't wait. A couple minutes later another gentleman walked in and sat down.

He asked me something - I wasn't 100% sure what it was - but it sounded like "are you waiting for a haircut," so I said yes, and stated I hadn't been waiting long. The woman got done with her customer, and turned to the other guy to get his information. He gave it, and was told it would be a few minutes. He remained standing, as if he was expecting to go next. She got done sweeping and called me over.

The man looked annoyed that I was going next (I guess he asked me something else) and looked impatient. He then loudly announces to me and the stylist, "I'll be over at Hooters." The stylist and I looked at one another. Not only was this guy impatient (my haircuts are simple and only take about 5 minutes), but he openly admitted he would be over at Hooters, when he easily could have said "I'll be right back."

I'm sure he was going there to enjoy the chicken wings.

Photo Op

Days like this I wish I had a camera phone - so I could take a picture of the two people smoking right in front of the "for the courtesy of others, this is a no smoking area" sign.

Tragic Exploitation

I had plenty of posts ready to go last week, but somehow I didn't really feel "funny" after the incident in Virginia on Monday.

Leave it to cable news to make things worse. I've made my seething hatred towards cable news fairly well-known (just click HERE if you don't believe me). What was once legitimate news has turned into hate-mongering and scare tactics.

What happened at Virginia Tech was horrible. 32 innocent people lost their lives along with one person who obviously wasn't in his right mind. And yet somehow, all the cable news wants to focus on is the one person. Especially after he sent his little care package to NBC News. I couldn't turn on the TV last week without seeing that man's picture staring back at me, his photos of himself pointing guns at the camera, that evil look in his eyes.

Obviously, the networks haven't heard or understand popular bits of wisdom like "Don't feed the troll," or "if you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want a glass of milk," or other variations of these. Basically, what the networks have done is give this guy probably EXACTLY what he wanted with all the media attention. Plus, they're probably encouraging other people just like him. Hey, if you're crazy and commit mass murder, look at all the publicity you'll get!

NONE of these news networks seemed to take into account that there are 32 victims here. Expand that number if you take the families of the deceased. Why don't they deserve the countless hours of coverage the killer has gotten? Instead of spending 5 hours on why the killer did it, how about taking those 5 hours and talking about the victims and their lives? I happened to stop on Fox News while channel surfing (completely by accident, believe me), and they discussed how on that day, there was a moment of silence for the victims, that church bells tolled all over. They spent all of maybe 2 minutes talking about it. Then, they move into a lengthy segment about how the killer's family apologized, etc. etc. Wow, so nice that you spent those 2 minutes on the victims. You don't want to seem biased towards the killer. After all, Fox News, you ARE fair and balanced.

I don't want to hear about the killer, and how he stalked some women some years earlier, and about how he got his guns, and about what could have been done to prevent it - I want to hear about the professor that helped his students escape the carnage at the cost of his own life. While it is tragic that he died, it is an inspiration that someone could exchange their life to save others, that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. Inspiration, hope - these are things we could use a lot more of these days.

Shame on you, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, Headline News, and others just like you. 32 people have died so you can analyze, hire experts, complain, and - to get great ratings. I'd rather you use the tragedy to implement changes to better our society, or just not to exploit the tragedy at all.

Historical Value? Part the Second

The History Channel confused me enough when they showed Mad Max one night.

The other night I observed them playing the original, Heston Planet of the Apes.

Dang, History Channel!! What was the historical value of that?? DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

Apparently I don't know where I live

In my 3 years at my current place of residence, not once have I had a problem with someone delivering something to me, such as a pizza.

In fact, I've ordered from Papa John's dozens of times since I've lived here. Again, no one has had a problem finding me.

Until today.

I got a call from the deliveryman, claiming he was standing outside my apartment building and didn't see my apartment number. I offered to walk outside and point him in the right direction. He wasn't there. I told him I didn't see him. He said there WAS no apartment XXXX. I repeated my address, my apartment number, my apartment complex - but he insisted my apartment didn't exist. At one point, he said "you gave me the wrong address." Not "are you sure you gave me the right address?" Not "maybe I'm at the wrong building." No - YOU GAVE ME THE WRONG ADDRESS. Excuse me??!

The phone conversation wasn't very clear, he said some things, and then I repeated my apartment complex name. He says, "that's what I just asked!!" I told him there was no need to be rude. I wanted to tell him other things, but I didn't. He goes on saying he's not rude, that customers are rude to them when they get the address wrong, blah blah.

In the end, he was at the wrong apartment complex. No admitting the mistake. When he arrived at my door he gave me a simple "Sorry about that." I signed the receipt, took my pizza, and slammed the door shut. And now I'm sending a complaint.

The complaint form is asking my address. Maybe I should double check to make sure where I live?

A Quizibuck Post

I've heard a good deal of rap/hip-hop music.

And to be honest, there are a good deal of those songs that I've enjoyed and purchased on ITunes.

But there's something I've always wondered about the majority of these songs - why do the artists insist on introducing themselves/ calling themselves by name on just about every single song?

Is this some unwritten rule about rap music, like when singers are required to scream on every heavy metal song? Do they get paid money every time they say their name? Are most record producers bad with names, so they get rappers to say their name during the song, thus reminding the producers who they are recording?

Then you have the radio DJ coming on after the song is done, reminding you of who you were just listening to. You almost want to say "umm, yeah, I know, the guy said his name five times."
The last rock band I can remember "introducing themselves" was The Monkees! And that was the only time they did it!

Oh well, I'm sure there is some good reason. I'll continue to enjoy a select number of rap/hip-hop songs, but at the same time, I'll continue to wonder why the artists keep telling me what their name is.

Where's the Manual??

I was out driving the other day when I came across a 4-way intersection, and the signal lights were flashing red.

It's simple, folks. Flashing red = 4-way stop sign.

But people barely know how to react at a stop sign to begin with, so I suppose I was expecting too much when people didn't seem to know how to react to this strange sight. Is the light broken?? Do I wait here until they fix it?? What do I do?? Oh, now I wish I'd paid attention in Driver's Education. Where's the manual?

I lived through it, with of course no help from anyone else, who seemed to think they could just go whenever. Riding the bus looks increasingly better each day.

Could have been worse, he could have been in Detroit

Texas Family Kills Giant Rabbit
April 8, 2007

Dallas, Texas - Police were called to a Dallas residence early Sunday morning, upon being told there was an intruder in the house. Police arrived to a most bizarre scene.

"I come into the house, and there's this giant rabbit, about maybe 6 feet tall. Biggest rabbit I've ever seen," said Sergeant Expo Sition, the first officer to arrive.

According to the homeowner, one Stereo Typical Texan, the family was asleep at their home on Bunny Trail, when Stereo heard what he described later as "hippity-hopping" from outside. The next thing he knew, noises were coming from downstairs. Stereo grabbed his 12-gauge shotgun from his closet and headed downstairs while his wife called 911. "I figured it was one of them El Key-da folk, " said Mr. Texan, apparently referring to the Middle East-based terrorist group. "I figured he was here to terrorize us. At first I thought it might be a communist or hippie, but them El Key-da killed all them folk. Either way, I feared for the lives of my family. For the lives of my children Tommy and Sue."

Instead of a terrorist, Stereo found a giant figure in the shape of a rabbit. "We had just watched that documentary, Monty Python and the Holy Grail the other night. If a tiny rabbit could cause so much damage in that documentary, I could only imagine what horrors a giant one could do! It was hiding a chocolate bunny in one of my wife's houseplants. I cocked my shotgun, then it turned to me and says, 'Try to do all the things you should.' Well, I figured I SHOULD plug him in the head. And he said I should try to do it, so I plugged him." Stereo then shot the figure in the head at close range, killing the mutant rabbit."Before it died it cried out, 'I was only trying to make Easter bright and gay!' Well, I don't want some giant Lagomorpha turning my children gay - not that there's anything wrong with that."

When police investigated the scene, they found that the rabbit was carrying several items, including jellybeans, colored eggs, orchids, bonnets, and a few chocolate bunnies, as Mr. Texan described. In a sack, they found several baskets full of what police called "Easter Joy" - baskets of the dishwashing liquid 'Joy' with the word 'Easter' painted on them.

Mr. Texan wanted the giant rabbit sent to actress Glenn Close. "She just seems to love eating rabbits," referring to another film, Fatal Attraction. But police sent the body to a local zoo for study.

Peter C. Tail contributed to this article.

The long walk

As with many apartment complexes, my apartment complex has a "mail center" where residents can go and pick up their mail. The center is pretty well centralized where it's within a fair distance from everyone.

When I get home, I take a nice short stroll over and back to get my mail. 3-4 minutes, tops.

But for some, this distance would seem to be in miles, and asking them to walk would be too much.
They'll generally park their cars at the center, retrieve their mail, then go and park at their apartment only a few yards away. A downstairs neighbor did this one day. I parked, walked over, walked back, and was heading up the stairs before they were even opening their car door.

Don't even get me started about what they do when it's raining a little. Stop the car, break out the umbrella, walk 2 steps to the covered mail center, close the umbrella, get mail, open umbrella, take 2 steps to the car, close umbrella, repeat process when getting home..

What a burden it is not to have mail slots for our apartments! Woe!

Call 911!

At work the other day, a supervisor stumbled and fell to the floor.

An employee a few seats down saw this and exclaimed, "call 911," before heading over to the supervisor's aid. Even after this, another employee sitting across from the supervisor turns to me and exclaims, "call 911," before ALSO heading over to the supervisor's aid. The supervisor immediately stopped them both and said she was fine, she just tripped.

While I appreciate how the employees rushed to the supervisor's aid, had the supervisor not said everything was fine, I could foresee a chain reaction of employees turning to the person next to them and exclaiming "call 911," before joining the pack. The situation somewhat reminded me of Down and Out in Beverly Hills, where Richard Dreyfuss rushes to the aid of Nick Nolte yelling out "call 911, call 911," while holding a phone in his hand.

Bottom line - when someone tells you to call 911, CALL 911. Sure, you may want to check in quickly to see why you're calling 911, but don't just turn to the person next you pass the buck. This is not the time.

Whoops, I woke myself up

That Mocha, she just loves plastic bags. Maybe it's the krinkly noise they make. Maybe it's because they get so warm when she lies down on them for awhile. Whatever the reason, she loves plastic bags. On my weekends, while she is under my supervision, I will often lay out a big plastic bag for her to sprawl upon.

The other day, she had spent several hours on that bag, and had once again fallen into a deep sleep. Suddenly there was a noise, and Mocha's eyes popped open. Too tired to get up, she lifted her head and started looking around, eyes half open. Finding nothing, she drifted off to sleep again.

Little did she realize that she had woken herself up.

My co-contributor taught me a neat trick with cats - call their name while they are sleeping, and their tail should twitch to signify they know their name is getting called. I do this often to Mocha, and her tail will not just twitch, it will do a full blown "whiplash." If she is lying on her side, her tail will go straight up, then come crashing down.

But this time, that tail came crashing down onto the aforementioned plastic bag, causing it to crinkle loudly, loud enough to wake Mocha up.

Poor cat.
I plan to do it to her again next time she's asleep on that bag.