Could have been worse, he could have been in Detroit

Texas Family Kills Giant Rabbit
April 8, 2007

Dallas, Texas - Police were called to a Dallas residence early Sunday morning, upon being told there was an intruder in the house. Police arrived to a most bizarre scene.

"I come into the house, and there's this giant rabbit, about maybe 6 feet tall. Biggest rabbit I've ever seen," said Sergeant Expo Sition, the first officer to arrive.

According to the homeowner, one Stereo Typical Texan, the family was asleep at their home on Bunny Trail, when Stereo heard what he described later as "hippity-hopping" from outside. The next thing he knew, noises were coming from downstairs. Stereo grabbed his 12-gauge shotgun from his closet and headed downstairs while his wife called 911. "I figured it was one of them El Key-da folk, " said Mr. Texan, apparently referring to the Middle East-based terrorist group. "I figured he was here to terrorize us. At first I thought it might be a communist or hippie, but them El Key-da killed all them folk. Either way, I feared for the lives of my family. For the lives of my children Tommy and Sue."

Instead of a terrorist, Stereo found a giant figure in the shape of a rabbit. "We had just watched that documentary, Monty Python and the Holy Grail the other night. If a tiny rabbit could cause so much damage in that documentary, I could only imagine what horrors a giant one could do! It was hiding a chocolate bunny in one of my wife's houseplants. I cocked my shotgun, then it turned to me and says, 'Try to do all the things you should.' Well, I figured I SHOULD plug him in the head. And he said I should try to do it, so I plugged him." Stereo then shot the figure in the head at close range, killing the mutant rabbit."Before it died it cried out, 'I was only trying to make Easter bright and gay!' Well, I don't want some giant Lagomorpha turning my children gay - not that there's anything wrong with that."

When police investigated the scene, they found that the rabbit was carrying several items, including jellybeans, colored eggs, orchids, bonnets, and a few chocolate bunnies, as Mr. Texan described. In a sack, they found several baskets full of what police called "Easter Joy" - baskets of the dishwashing liquid 'Joy' with the word 'Easter' painted on them.

Mr. Texan wanted the giant rabbit sent to actress Glenn Close. "She just seems to love eating rabbits," referring to another film, Fatal Attraction. But police sent the body to a local zoo for study.

Peter C. Tail contributed to this article.