Vomit Bags May Be Required

In 1999, a film called The Blair Witch Project hit theaters. It was extremely low-budget for a feature film - $22,000. The film was shot under the guise of three students videotaping a project about the Blair Witch (get it? Blair Witch Project?) Because of this, the film was shot with a hand-held camera. It was shaky. It was crude. There were shots that would tilt and zoom suddenly. Viewers began to suffer motion sickness as a result. In fact, it got so bad, that some theaters actually required their employees to hand out motion sickness bags to customers seeing the movie.

Since then, the hand-held camera, or “shaky-cam” as it is sometimes lovingly referred to, has appeared several more times in cinemas.

To some extent, I can completely understand the usage of a hand-held camera, at least from a creative standpoint. Blair Witch was trying to achieve the illusion that you are watching an amateur video shot by a bunch of kids. The recent movie Cloverfield is also along those lines – you’re supposed to be watching amateur video shot by innocent bystanders (I’ll get back to that movie in a bit). So as a creative tool, it works.

However, when the hand-held camera is used in other ways, not intended to be “gimmicks,” that’s when I shake my head. Probably two of the most high-profile examples of this are the second and third films in the Jason Bourne series, Bourne Supremacy and Bourne Ultimatum. Both of these movies use a hand-held camera exclusively – and we’re not just talking about action scenes. No, we are subjected to the hand-held camera in every scene, even the ones where characters are just standing around talking. People are standing there having a conversation and the camera jitters around like high winds are blowing. What, exactly is this supposed to accomplish? I think I recall reading or hearing somewhere that director Paul Greengrass shot the movies this way because the shaky-cam is supposed to represent Bourne’s world. Bourne has no memory of his past life, so everything’s topsy-turvy.

Using a hand-held camera in an action sequence seems like a good idea. Directors want to give you a “you are there” feeling. Unfortunately for many, it produces a “you are sick” feeling. Steven Spielberg used a hand-held camera to good effect in Saving Private Ryan, for example, during the Normandy Beach invasion. He wanted to put you in the middle of what very likely seemed like Hell. And even though he is using a hand-held camera, you still get a good sense of what is going on. Everything is in perfect view. Action sequences in films like Bourne, however, have no sense of direction. Take the car chase in Supremacy, for example. The sequence of events goes somewhat like this:

• An outside shot of the cars driving.

• A shot of Bourne, looking up at his head from what appears to be underneath the steering wheel. He looks behind him and sees…

• A shot of the enemy driver from outside the car, looking through the windshield.

• Jump cut back to Bourne from underneath the steering wheel.

• Jump cut to a close-up shot of Bourne changing gears.

• Jump cut to outside Bourne’s car.

• Jump cut to outside the enemy driver’s car.

• Jump cut to underneath Bourne again.

• Jump cut to a side shot of Bourne steering.

Jump cut to a close-up shot of Bourne stepping on the accelerator.

And so on and so forth. I’ve watched the sequence a few times now, and I have an incredibly hard time finding out who exactly I am watching doing what. I caught the film one time in HD on TNT and felt queasy. Then of course there is a fistfight earlier in the movie, where both characters are wearing the exact same color, so when the camera is tumbling around like its caught in a dryer, its extremely difficult to know who exactly is winning the fight. Mission: Impossible III was shot in very much the same way. A helicopter sequence made me very much want some Dramamine. I just don’t get why someone would want to shoot a movie this way. Does seeing a perfectly-framed shot of two people fighting put me “right in the action?” No, it doesn’t. But at least I know who is winning the fight.

This brings me to Cloverfield, the most recent high-profile film to use the shaky-cam. I’ve seen photos of the warning signs theaters have now had to put up because of this movie. Basically these signs go something to the effect of “hey, this movie is essentially a roller-coaster simulator. If you vomit on roller coasters, it may not be a good idea for you to watch this movie.” I went into the movie knowing that the camera work may be like this, so I sat well towards the back. Had I been sitting towards the front – heck, if I had a snack of any kind sitting anywhere in the theater – I may very well have felt queasy. The camera work did take me “out of the moment” on several occasions. The “cameraman” had an uncanny ability to put EVERYTHING in-frame. “Oh look, monsters are attacking my friend; let me get it in perfect focus!” “Oh look, the giant monster is striding over my head; let me zoom in on the monster rather than GET OUT OF THE WAY.” But as I’ve stated, the camera work didn’t bother me too much, because it actually made sense.

So, I remind you, shaky-cam directors, that items like the steady-cam, the tripod, and dollies are used in filmmaking for a reason. Viewers want to know what is going on. But if you insist on using a hand-held camera, do people a favor and clearly advertise the fact. I’m sure movie theater employees are tired of mopping their floors.

Adventures at the Book Store (or, Stereotypes Aplenty)

The following story is based on actual events. Only names and places have been changed. Material is not meant to offend anyone, so apologies in advance.

Wayne Walker pulled up to the Narnes and Boble, there to look for any new books that may pique his interest. He had been up since 3:30 AM, and had just worked 10 hours, but he wasn't all that tired. He was hoping to quietly stroll through the store and maybe find a book to keep him occupied during the early hours at work; little did he know what stereotypes lurked inside.

Wayne wasn't a big fan of stereotypes. He lived in Texas for quite some time, and constantly tried to change people's views of the "stereotypical" Texan. He felt that stereotypes were just material for comedians, sitcoms, and movies. "Oh, here comes the dumb blonde! Followed by the snooty British guy!" Wayne shook his head and it all.

Wayne had decided to use the "side" door, as about six people decided to use the main door - all at once, and they all seemed to want to go a different direction and use a different door. The side door actually led directly to the in-store coffee bar. Wayne felt as if he'd walked onto a sitcom set. There were students there doing homework. There were upper-class folks with three shopping bags for each hand. There were people giving coffee orders so specific that it took them several minutes just to finish.

He quickly moved past the coffee bar and back towards the books, then started his browsing in the cookbook section. As Wayne glanced over the covers, a peculiar yet distinct "blap" sounded behind him. He turned to see an overweight woman of perhaps 300 pounds. She was eating a candy bar, and was aimlessly walking through the aisles. She loudly broke wind every two minutes or so. She passed through the science fiction section, broke wind again, and Wayne faintly smelled a foul odor. "Is this woman for real," Wayne thought, "or am I on some movie set?" As the odor grew stronger, Wayne decided to avoid the science fiction section for now and headed in the opposite direction, away from the walking "overweight person stereotype."

He came across the graphic novel section - two teenage boys were sprawled across the aisle, graphic novels everywhere. They simply did not care about anyone else who may have wanted to browse the books. Thinking he might be dreaming, Wayne pinched himself - no, he was awake alright.

"I know," Wayne thought to himself, "I'll go to the history section. There's hardly anyone ever there." He headed towards the history section, past the person with their cell phone stuck to their ear, around the grown man blocking another aisle. He turned into the history section - only to find two teenage girls there, talking so quickly and so incoherently that Wayne thought they must be speaking some foreign language.

Wayne gave up. He couldn't take the massive group of stereotypes who somehow found their way into the bookstore. He stopped by the restroom first, and even there he was not safe from the stereotypes. He passed a man who did not bother to flush the toilet, or wash his hands. Wayne glanced over into the stall, where someone had abandoned some magazines they felt they needed to tote into the bathroom while they did their business. After washing up, Wayne left the store, and vacated his parking spot right in front of the store to someone who wanted the spot so bad, they had stopped, turned on their turn signal, and held up 5 other cars.

There would be no television or movies any time soon for Wayne - he decided he'd had enough people portraying stereotypes. He went home, played with his cat, and took his bicycle out for a spin.