Not far from the truth

Using Turn Signal 'Deadly,' Study Says
by I. M. Fake, Pretend Press Writer

DALLAS/FORT WORTH, Texas - A recent study of 250 drivers found that 82 percent of the drivers found that using the turn signal was considered 'deadly,' or otherwise an impediment to their driving. Another 17 percent were found to not know what a turn signal even was, another 1 percent actually use the turn signal.

"The drivers just were terrified at the thought of using the turn signal," said E.G.G. Head, who led the study. "Just the mention of the phrase 'turn signal' turned the drivers white."

"I mean, come on, using a turn signal? You've got to be kidding me," driver A. Jerk was quoted to say. "I'm too busy careening between lanes at 20mph above the speed limit. If I used my turn signal, my reflexes would be compromised and I'd crash!" Another driver, Whatta A. Hole, said, "using the turn signal is just too dangerous. I'm sitting there on my cell phone talking with my friend about how questionable the Cowboys coaching is, and I use my turn signal. Then what happens? I drop my cell phone, then I have to fumble around looking for it on the floor. I'd run into something! Do you honestly think I would interrupt my conversation for that?"

E.G.G. Head found that most of the drivers felt the same way. And while another 17 percent said they didn't know what a turn signal was, Head was not surprised. "People in general are idiots," he stated. He went on to tell the story of Cop M. Agnet, who is a frequent speeding offender. Agnet was shocked to find the existence of the turn signal. "Whoa," Agnet said, "this actually lets people know I am turning or changing lanes? This must be a new invention or something, sweet. Wonder if it costs extra."

The last 1 percent actually use the turn signal. Head says, "the people who actually use their turn signal on a regular basis also actually represent the percentage of the population that isn't self-involved or lazy. Sure, they may not drive 80mph in a 55mph zone, but they get you there safe."

What does this mean to the average driver? Head finished with, "just go on driving the way you've been driving. If we're lucky, the reckless drivers will be weeded out when they have their licenses revoked. If we're lucky. But generally that 1 percent isn't."